The Birth story of Winnie requires beginning way before the labor actually started to happen Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. Let me take you back months before her arrival, in fact I'm heading straight back to the start of my pregnancy.
Nate and I already knew we would be having a home birth so we set up interviews with the three midwives we found that could drive the distance to our home. Having had probably the most amazing midwife ever with Piper it was a really big pair of shoes to fill but we made the decision to go with Amanda and jokingly said it didn't matter anyway because it would probably go so fast and end up being only Nate and I at the delivery(funny how it ended up being the longest labor at eight hours). Having an unassisted birth was something I think that was always in the back of our heads but neither of us really thought of it as a reality until a few months later.
Appointment after appointment I would come out feeling upset and let down, not by our midwife but more the situation. It felt to me forced and like something was always out of place but I couldn't figure it out, at least I thought I couldn't. This wasn't something I shared with people other than a selected few who I knew would understand the importance of the relationship with your midwife.
At 34 weeks pregnant I ended up in a place I never purposely tried to be in but yet somehow knew we would be....without a midwife, having our baby, just Nate and I. It was almost a relief to come to the decision though, it was as if a part of me was working up the courage prior to that to go through with something we had been prompted to do so many months before. (We did however have an agreement with Amanda that we could call on her anytime to resume care if needed.)
My mom had plans of coming to stay with us to be there for the birth as well so we knew we needed to clue her in to what was going on and make sure she was comfortable with the decision because we didn't want any negative vibes there for the birth. Funny thing about moms, they tend to know your choices before you even make them. She wasn't surprised at all. I relied on Nate and my mom's calmness to get me through the next six weeks, along of course with my owns feelings of knowing deep down that everything would be fine. Through this time I received multiple priesthood blessings and was always reassured by the words that Nate said while giving them. Whenever my mind roamed and started worrying about things I could draw strength from what was given to me through those blessings.
If there was one thing Nate and I knew for sure it was that we didn't want other people's concerns to be any part of the birth so we chose to keep this part a secret. We knew how important it was for my body to not be harboring any negative energy from others. There were so many times I was wanting so bad just to share what I was feeling with someone other than Nate...he says he didn't but I'm sure he tired of hearing me voice my worries/affirmations about the birth. So many times I knew that if friends knew what we were planning they would understand my weird vibes I knew I was sending out. I didn't want to watch or hear anything that would put bad thoughts into my head about birth because I knew that as much faith as I had that we could do this the smallest negative thought would send my brain into overdrive thinking of things that I knew wouldn't happen but 'could' happen.
I read a handful of books in the last weeks and surrounded myself with positive birth energy to the point where I knew I just needed to stop reading and rely on prayer. Nate and I really did know deep down that everything would be fine but jumping into unassisted birth for the first time is a daunting task for anyone.
*The interesting thing about this whole idea was that while pregnant with Piper, our doula we had with Charly had an unassisted birth and I thought she was doing something so risky and somewhat a little crazy. I ended up drawing on her wise words this time around for support, probably more that she even realizes. This is not something others can know or even understand until they are in it, I don't expect people's acceptance or approval of our choices because I know Nate and my feelings of why we did it is something others can't possibly understand....I know because once upon a time I too was a critic.
With that being said, lets flash forward to five days past my due date. At this point in time I was getting pretty comfortable with the idea of having a baby three weeks late and was really relaxed with the whole idea. Weird how once I reached my due date my nerves calmed down and I was ready for birth...even if it took a while to get here.
Tuesday started out like any other day, in fact I felt completely fine, nothing out of the ordinary. Sometime before lunchtime I went to the bathroom and was excited to see my mucous plug had come out with the tiniest amount of blood. I excitingly called Nate to tell him and even showed my mom, yeah I know, gross right? LOL. I was really tempted to take a picture too but refrained. Anyway I was excited because with both Charly and Piper I lost my mucous plug at the onset of labor so I kind of assumed things may start to happen soon...like within the hour like it did with the girls. My idea of impending labor was forgotten when a few hours later and still nothing happening. Eh, I guess I just lost my plug a couple of weeks/days before just like you read about.
I retired to bed around 9:30 and left Nate downstairs to do homework while my mom watched her lifetime movie(sorry mom, had to leave that important detail in). Around 10ish I started to feel back cramps coming every so often which at first were fine to tolerate while still laying down. Nate came to bed around 11:30 I think and by that point I got out of bed to work out the cramps more comfortably. I thought this was probably the real thing and my first actions were to turn the clocks in our room around. I knew I would drive myself crazy if I had any concept of time. I didn't want to time contractions or be aware of how long I was laboring.
Nate lit candles in our room, put some peaceful christian music on Pandora while my mom lit some candles downstairs and waited patiently for me to need her. (In the meantime around midnight Piper woke up completely unwilling to go back to sleep, she did not want to miss the action.)
Immediately I thought of ideas I had read from Spiritual Midwifery and wanted to let Nate be involved 100%, I made the decision to consciously find ways for him to help me and not get upset if what he was doing wasn't helping me. For the first few hours of labor I got through contractions the same way I got pregnant, with Nate and I kissing. LOL Nothing crazy but every time I would feel a rush coming on I would lock lips with Nate and not let go until it was over. I was amazed at how well this was working. The whole time envisioning opening up like a flower and staying loose.
A couple of hours in I switched to a different approach when I needed Nate to squeeze my hips from behind, I opened my mouth and began to sing. Yeah, I know shocking right? Every once in a while Piper would come hold my hand and sing "laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" or "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" with me, she really was a sweet helper. Another choice I made this labor, to not get distracted with Piper but to try and incorporate her into the labor which turned out to work amazing. I was starting to realize how much control I actually had this time with my attitude. I imagined my notes were like waves competing with the waves the contractions were making and as long as I kept singing I could stay ahead of the contractions. I was determined to make this the most peaceful birth and these visions I was having really helped achieve that. It's incredible how much my attitude controlled the pain or lack of pain I should say.
(My mom caught this in between her doula work, what a and chipper girl, this was probably taken somewhere between 2 and 5 in the morning. If you're wondering where Charly was when all this was going on, she was sound asleep until about 5am.)
A couple of hours or so in the lack of sleep was starting to take notice and so I lay down with Nate behind me squeezing my hips every couple of minutes. We were both able to miraculously fall into a coma sleep for increments of a couple of minutes.
I couldn't believe my ears when I heard Nate's phone alarm go off at four. I was shocked that I had been laboring for as long as I had, it only felt like maybe two hours and yet it had been almost 6. While I was rocking back and forth singing I kept wondering if I was transitioning or how much longer I could go as my legs were getting pretty tired from the squatting and swaying with each contraction.
At one point late in my labor I decided to try the shower which really helped with Charly(The picture above was on my way to the shower). I was probably only in there for about five good contractions when I realized it just wasn't where I wanted to be. Poor Nate was getting soaked and could not get a good grip for a hip squeeze. I knew he was working as hard as I needed him to to help get me through this, there were a few times when I could feel his arms shaking from squeezing so long and hard.
Shortly before my shower my legs started to shake uncontrollably and so I knew I was approaching the end which I still didn't really believe because the whole time I was getting through it to that point it really was tolerable and not bad at all. I even remember saying a few times "Ah, that one didn't hurt at all". The above pictures were after my shower (I know this because of the awesome wardrobe change) and must have been transition. The last contraction in the shower was the first of them to actually be intense and the race between my singing and the wave was a close one so I was majorly focused on staying ahead. It wasn't until my body was starting to push that I felt pain that I couldn't manipulate with singing or kissing or hip squeezing. At this point I made the move from the bed to the floor to carry out the birth. Nate lied out a giant chux pad for me to crawl onto and my mom appeared out of nowhere to support me from at my face. I was on my hands and knees at this point which luckily was the only comfortable position for me to be in. Suddenly it felt like my back was on fire and any touch was unbearable. Now I was hurting and no longer singing, but crying and squeezing my moms hand tightly. Nate's presence behind me ready to catch the baby was a comfort in it's own way. He instinctively got to where he needed to be and was ready. This was the point where I felt like I was in between a rock and a hard place, I so wanted to close my legs and just be done but I knew that would prolong the pain. I could feel her head inching down every step of the way and I'm not going to lie, it was painful to say the least. It took all of me not to push with all my might or squeeze my legs together and give up. I imagined it was hard for my mom to look at me like this and not be able to help me get through it. I imagined I was almost there and if I would just stay strong the baby would be here soon. I felt her crowing, or so I thought...then I really felt her crowning and couldn't believe what I was feeling moments earlier wasn't the crowning. "Ouch, this hurts, ah!" Then with a gush(the bag of waters broke) and a pop, her head was out, I knew the hard part was over and would have a few minutes to rest until her body came out. I was relieved and felt immediate comfort. While her head dangled facing Nate I sat there feeling like I had conquered something huge, something monumental, something my body was built to do and did do. Her body slid out in a quick flash and even though I didn't see her come out it feels like I did for some reason. We did it! Not once was I scared,worried, concerned etc. What an amazing thing Nate and I had just done together.
I lifted my leg over her and plopped down on the bare carpet (completely missing the chux pad) to hold our new daughter. We were elated to hear her lungs wailing immediately upon arrival.
My two concerns with this birth was first, of course having a healthy baby and second not to tear. I was very determined not to tear. I tore with both Charly and Piper and with the recovery that brings I knew I didn't want to do it again, plus I didn't want the hassle of having a visitor ( our midwife ) come to stitch me up after such an uninterrupted birth. My mind was so focused on not tearing when she was coming down the birth canal that I turned total control over to involuntary pushing. I didn't try to help push her out despite, wanting to so bad, just to get her here more quickly. Not pushing when your body is was challenging but I knew the end would be worth it. I discovered shortly after her birth that I hadn't received a single tear on me. I was overwhelmed with accomplishment and my personal testimony of how amazing our bodies are when left alone to do what they were made to do grew even to a point I never knew existed. Even today as I write this I can't believe how incredible everything worked. I feel like it was all a dream, a really wonderful dream.
What Nate and I just accomplished together as a team is indescribable with words. Winnie's birth journey, even from early pregnancy has been a bonding experience for us. Through this I have learned to rely on him more and trust his guidance and intuition as much as my own and to treat it as my own. There were so many times during pregnancy he comforted me by telling me he knew everything would be fine and he didn't have any spiritual promptings to do otherwise. With this behind us I know there is nothing we set out to do that we can not do together. What a gift to have this man by my side.
By trusting our instincts and through prayer our family grew by one in a most magical, amazing, spiritual way. Something we will always remember. This experience has strengthened my testimony more than I can describe. I know with one hundred percent certainty that Nate and I did not come to this decision on our own and could not have done what we did without the presence of The Holy Ghost to guide our path.
I am thankful.
